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What if self love means " i deserve to be loved even at the moments i don't love myself?"


What if self love means "I believe that I deserve to be loved even in the moments that i don't love myself?"


I am writing this text on the occasion of a recent conversation I had with a client. "What is this self love after all," she asked me. "It seems completely selfish to me. Is it possible to do it and if so, how? Is it just a buzzword that has become more of a marketing product than substance?”



I admit that her questions were questions that have been into my mind a lot at times. Both on a personal but also on a professional level.



"Don't get into relationships if you haven't completely figured it out with yourself first, you can't love someone else if you don't love yourself first, etc." These are just some of the phrases we hear all the time around us about relationships and how we should get into them. And the truth is that they are kind of scary because it seems like there are prerequisites and imaginary boxes that you have to fill in in order to be able to love and to be loved.



Western culture has had an obsession in recent years with self-improvement, independence, self-awareness and finally with individualism. there is an obsession with the self. There are many who believe that the path of self-awareness is a solitary journey that shuts out those around you and that prepares you so that when you are ready you can relate in ideal ways.



But is it possible to know yourself apart from others? How can we learn to love on our own?



We learn the way we relate through our interaction with others, through our relationship with them. Because only connecting with others we are able to observe our behavior patterns and if we want to change them. The existence of others is a necessary part of our individual journey. We learn to love ourselves when we allow and make room for others to love us. When we can accept that we deserve to be loved even if we're not perfect, even if we haven't accomplished what we'd like to have accomplished, even when we don't like ourselves that much.




Self love does not mean doing everything until I reach some level of personal perfection. Such a thing, apart from being extremely narcissistic, is also impossible. Self love means valuing myself while knowing very well that I have imperfections. I love myself even when I make mistakes, even when self love seems difficult. Self love means I'm able to take a risk that has a high chance of failure because if I fail I won't consider myself a loser.



Perhaps it would be better to think about how we can be empatic towards ourselves when needed, rather than how to love them. Perhaps self empathy is a more real condition.



Can we bring such a way of thinking from me to us? To allow ourselves to connect with others in such a way?



Can we go through life reminding ourselves that we deserve the love of others even in the moments when we feel we don't? In my opinion this is a more healthy, realistic and beautiful concept of self love.




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